Forty five years..

Today I wish I could be celebrating ... but all that I have are tears, coupled with loneliness.  Today, the memory of spending life with my husband seem so distant - it has been nearly 11 years.  I help in a ministry which core is to help others when they have lost a loved one to death - always too early, but today the emptiness and feeling so alone supersede all that I have tried to learn and understand.  Why Lord, do I still feel so alone?  Why is today so difficult?  I was blessed with many years together and my life is no more significant than others who have lost someone but my heart just aches today.  Today, I should be celebrating a beautiful milestone yet even trying to focus on the sweetness of our love and marriage and raising a family seems to layer more sadness.  Living without him to celebrate our family - our roles as parents and grandparents - only seems half hearted.  My other half is gone.  

I know God has created each of us as an individual and that as an individual my role is to love Him, share His life and gift with others but for me - I don't want to face this role with out my spouse.  Today is hard.  I know God has a purpose for my sadness today, and this to will pass and become something He will use in my life and be honoring to Him but I am hoping He will understand that today is hard - the emptiness is real and today I am simply sad.

Where has my joy drifted too? I believe with all my heart that God hears my cry and He is my comforter - yet today feels different - as though even He knows I need to have this day of grief and sadness to bring me to a place ready to serve Him again.  Will my heart be ready to love again?  Giving my heart openly to another while still mourning the love I had seems to create roadblocks and uncertainty for me.  I have believed God would allow me to love again and I stepped out in faith but holding on to my past dreams may cloud my view of a future love.  Lord, may you fill my heart and make me whole.  And when I am ready, and if your plan, allow me to love completely again.

Grief doesn't come packaged and ready to be  put on a shelf and forgotten - it is real and may resurface when unexpected or when holidays are prominent or when faced with  milestones or even just when a memory flashes by.  I am thankful that I know this heavy heart will not persist forever - for my God is gracious, loving and knows my pain and the depth of my love for my husband.  He will sustain me and bring me back to joy. 

Trusting...

God's sovereignty -

         Yes, I believe this to be true - in all things -

         over all the earth and the heavens

         over our country

         over our lives

         over me...



Trusting that His plan still places Him in control when so much seems out of control - in regards to the world - I do have confidence in Him.  We are the ones who are messing things up and leaving Him out.  But I can believe Him and trust Him that He "has the whole world in His hands"


So, why do I struggle so much with the whys in my own life? Why do I struggle with the path I am on when I know He is with me?  Why, when I know He is sovereign over my life and desires the best for me, do I travel down one direction, trusting that this is the right direction and find later that it  wasn't. Was it because I didn't listen well and desiring something for me believing I had His blessing - to find that I must have taken the wrong road.



Or was it the right road, and God still needed me to learn more and lean on Him more to bring me closer to Him?

 Or am I making excuses?

Looking back on my life's journey so far, I can recognize His handiwork in many moments of my life - even during the weekend my husband was called home.  I have had to pull myself together and rely on Christ. Something I don't always do very well. Yet, I know I can't do this job alone.  I have argued with God some days about why I still have to struggle with even little things?  But even then, He helps me see how much more I need to trust him. Deep down I know He has a plan for my life.  That I am here because I still have work to do - serving Him in whatever direction He leads.  Do I struggle knowing what that is - absolutely; do I struggle trusting I am making the right decisions - yes and do I struggle when the path I have been on takes a difficult new direction - definitely.



This past year has held many personal firsts for me -
- starting my own little business


- traveling to China - a country I really had never put on my wish list to help bring home my daughter's adopted son.  Fears accumulated with trying to communicate in a difficult language and just not having any idea of what to expect in this vast country and everything involved in adopting this sweet baby.


- and entering into a relationship - with all the joy and fun of being with someone again, loving again, mixed with the struggles of figuring out how to love someone and blend our family histories.

In each of these, God has stretched me to trust Him more, and to trust Him when I have felt so unsure about taking the next step and to continue to trust Him when what I had hoped for isn't going to be.   I am clinging to God's word that He is sovereign and He knew the path I was on and I am thankful He is with me now as I work to become content again on my own and fulfill the role He has for me now.

Trusting in His mercy and faithfulness.

Finding Serenity

Sunday afternoon I was enjoying a beautiful evening down at the river - the boat traffic had all but disappeared and the sun was warm and inviting still.  The barn swallows were racing to gather small insects to feed the little ones crying out for dinner from their nests on my neighbors boat house and the fish were jumping to try and beat them to it!  Above me our national bird was dipping and soaring playing in the wind drafts.  It was so completely calming and lovely.  Witnessing nature interact with each other - all God's plan - was being played out like a well rehearsed orchestra. To top it off - that majestic eagle - swoops down and skims the river glass and reaches down just below the surface and snags an unknowing trout!  Dinner for him and maybe his eaglets down stream.  As my daughter and I watched we both apologized to the fish - "we're sorry this is your last day" but  awed by God's wondrous plan.

Sometimes we find it hard to be still - to stop and just enjoy the day we have been given.  To be thankful for the "treats" of everyday life.  God has placed them before us in so many ways - small blessings that we might not have even noticed - but they are there for our joy.  Finding joy in everyday has become a goal for me.  I don't want to let one day slip by and not recognize the gifts He has given me - no matter what size or shape or sound.


It is not always easy - there are days when I think if one more thing breaks down - I might just have a pity party, too.  But, He has not forsaken me and when things break and plans fall apart or I am simply tired and lonesome or overwhelmed - He bears me up and reminds me to come to Him.  He knows every detail of my life and when I will need to come crawling to Him for restoration.  Then he opens my eyes and heart to see what gifts He has laid before me today - grandchildren smiles, giggles, stories and hugs.  Family gathering for a meal.  Unexpected lunches with friends. Family home for a visit.  Projects completed.  Warm sun filled days.  Flowers everywhere and water glistening like diamonds spilling across the surface.


Some may think I am crazy - but I have found one of my very favorite places to find serenity is while working in my garden - just pulling weeds and pruning and planting.  A friend of mine refers to it as my sanctuary.  This is where I spend time with God.  Time to praise Him, time to question and ponder what direction my life is going, time to be thankful.  Amongst the weeds, worms and bees I become calm - believing and reaffirming that He has promised to know when a bird falls from his nest, He has also promised to know everything about me.  Maybe He lets the weeds grow so well in my gardens so I will come and spend time with Him!

This is my prayer for you....To find time to relish the gifts God has given you - even if it is the rainbows we see in our little ones bubbles.  Spend time with Him and His word.  He desires to share it with us and get to know Him.  Rediscover what brings you joy and rejoice in the moments of serenity - your little ones playing together and not squabbling, gathering together at the table for dinner and conversation, time outside to really see all that He created for us to enjoy and relax in, the beauty of the intricacies of a single flower or birds soaring and singing or a favorite piece of music..
the list is endless.

Enjoy the journey as you discover how to find serenity - with God - as your director.

Unexpected Journeys

Finding my way on this life journey provides joys and struggles - embracing challenges and accepting that sometimes you have to let go of the past to move forward.  It has been a long time yet still seems like only a few months ago - moving away from our beloved home in Jackson - to start a new beginning in Oregon.  Where have all the days gone in between? 

How can it be that I still shudder at letting go of our home in Wyoming? Am I afraid that somehow I will be erasing our memories or will keeping our little homestead provide a way to forever return and relive some of them.  If I let go of Wyoming - am I embracing all that is in this small hamlet of Oregon?  Will I not be able to call myself "A Wyoming Woman" (we are a special breed after all.)

Yet as I trust God in this journey - at least I have tried to most days - He has provided for me here - new beginnings - not always packaged with bright ribbons - in fact many as I look back were tattered and worn as I tried to figure life out with out my spouse.  But God has never failed me and is bringing me to new places in my life - some now wrapped in delicate paper to be opened carefully and not rushed.

I desire to be the woman God has planned and created me for - but how I struggle with letting go of what I believe He is saying and what He may actually be showing me.  Most of my struggles are those I have placed on myself - that "I" word and  "me" mentality - finds me questioning my decisions over and over instead of leaving them in His open hands.  In what possible scenario could I ever have a better idea than His - 

With His blessing - stepping away from my job at the flower shop was the right one - the relief I felt to be able to address the areas I needed to take care of or at least help with was undeniable - but this past week I was able to step back into the shop to help with Mother's Day flowers and although so tiring - I loved it - being back with staff who had  become my friends and catching up with some of the "regular" customers.  A little winsome ...

But trading the flower shop for my own little business journey is also exciting - and hopefully will actually produce the opportunities to bless a bride and groom.  Stretching my imagination to find ways to promote it are daunting but it is good for me to stretch beyond my comfort zone - trusting God to use the ideas He has placed before me.

My life continues to unfold in ways I never imagined and even though there have been several ups and downs in it lately - I am thankful and joyful for this unexpected journey. Being able to treasure past memories to make room for new ones is a huge step for me.   I am thankful for His presence in all of my life and pray that I will honor Him in the gifts He continues to shower me with on this journey.

Gifts Laid Before Me...

Sometimes it is hard to write - probably not because I don't have something to say but is it share worthy?  This past week has involved a few new firsts for me - some that have lifted my spirit and filled me with joy and anticipation of what is to come and a few others that have caused me to pause and be reflective - both are gifts laid before me.

Do the littlest gestures make your heart swell?  Mine did this week with the simple treasured gift of my grandchildren calling and wanting to "face time" with Nani.  My heart literally skipped all afternoon.  Their big smiles and excitement about going to a Mariner's game had me giggling with them.  They have no idea how much they fill my heart and I am so thankful for each of my seven little grandchildren - each so uniquely created and lovable.  I am blessed.

The past few months I have been searching for a new church to call home - and though I am still in a quandary because I have the joy of worshipping along side my son and his bride where they have chosen to attend, I have also found another church that I am growing to love.  Both have great teaching - the Good Friday service at one was perhaps the most reflective and beautiful service I have experienced in a very long time.  It encompassed worship, prayer, reading the passion of Christ, thoughtful sermon and communion on our knees at the Lord's table.  Easter Sunday was full of joy and worshipful songs - arms raised in praise - and a deeply meaningful sermon - and of course shared with my children.  

While still in a quandary - the church I found offers a women's Bible study - which I have been wanting try.  So many blessings that morning - women who have chosen to be "all in" in their walk of faith - all so welcoming and full of compassion for each other.  The speaker choosing to follow what God had not 'let her let go of" all week and speak with confidence about getting out of our comfort zones - not letting them keep us from the work that Christ has for us in His plan.  How many ways do to I try and stay where it is comfortable and not have full faith that God is in control and He has great plans for me?

I believe God is growing my heart the desire to know Him so much more intimately than ever before and to serve Him in ways I am not even sure about yet.  Reading Ephesians everyday and truly studying His words for us - to be His hands and feet - I look forward to what this will be.

My granddaughter's name is Selah - found in Psalms and means to pause and reflect - this is what God is laying before me - to take time and reflect on Him and what He may have in store for me.  

While feeling showered with His blessings I also recognize that I need to be the vessel He wants me to be - not to be so selfish and focused on me and what I believe or think God wants me to be doing.  Giving myself to Him on a daily basis - a task that is not  easy for me  and I want to take control of again and again - yet when I do actually give myself to Him - the peace of knowing He is there beside me - alleviates so much anxiety.  

This week one of my sisters will be going under some medical tests and we are all concerned - yet we are collectively trusting God's plan for her and that the results will be hopeful and quickly bring healing or better yet find nothing wrong.   What a gift to be able to share our lives - our hopes and fears with a Savior who loves each of us and stands with us as we wait for further news.

This week has also involved working towards promoting my new business - Blossoms and Blessings -  marketing is something I am not very adept at but desire to be - because I hope to be able to be that florist for a bride or family member who dreams of having someone come beside her, truly listen and dream along with her about their wedding day.  I want this business to be the hands and feet of Christ during a time of anticipation, love and joy without adding any stress.  

So, I press on - trusting God to use me as He desires.

The Blessings of a Learning Curve

So many things to learn...

In my dream - opening Blossoms and Blessings was going to give me the opportunity to share my love of flowers and  their unique language while ministering to a newly engaged couple as they plan out their celebration.  Somehow I believed I could maneuver my way through all the steps without too many hiccups!  Well I have a lot to learn.

Registering for the license wasn't too bad once I actually spoke to someone and had a few questions cleared up - but that was the easy part.

Figuring out taxes, accounting details, business cards and even a web site has been a little more daunting.  Thankfully, I have family to lean on and walk me through some of the biggest early steps - without them - well the web site especially might never have happened - at least not without a lot of tears.

Bringing my dream to reality has resulted in lots of computer time - which has been a blessing  - perusing pictures from some of the weddings I have done (outside of the weddings through the store)  - many were family or friends - friends close enough I considered them family - joyful celebrations - all unique.  

Starting to write again - another blessing - taking time to be thankful for the gift of being part of someones wedding day and for Christ's blessing on these special couples. Being able to share a little of their love story as witnessed through my eyes makes their pictures more memerable.  Taking time to actually reflect on what God is doing in my life and putting my hopes and fears into words continues to bring healing and joy.   My God has never forsaken me - and I desire to be His vessel.

It has been several months since I have worked in the flower shop and God has blessed me during this time with refreshment with my family both here, in Washington and Wyoming and a very special trip overseas.  There are still a lot of things on my to do list most of which do not involve setting up my new adventure - but they will get done - now hopefully without all the pressure I was carrying before.   A blessing of time.

So I have discovered  I have a pretty big learning curve to master  but God in His wisdom is showing me there will be  blessings all along the way.

Continuing my journey - time to write again....

How can it be that I have not actually written in over two years - two years that have been filled with many new wonderful moments so why haven't I written when there has been so much to celebrate?  I think, for me, I sometimes have a hard time letting myself truly celebrate all the joy God has graced me with when the one person I really treasured celebrating with was watching from the heavens wrapped in Christ's arms.

Ryan and Emily were married - it was glorious - so many family members and friends came to Emily's grandmother's farm to celebrate with us.  The farm was beautiful, the back drop of the mountains - seemed to envelop us with God's creation, the crystal blue waters of the river glistening just behind the wedding couple shone with Christ's blessing for them and all of us who witnessed their marriage vows. 

September 8th - so much to be thankful for and to be remembered and most of all to be celebrated.  For thirty-four years we had celebrated our anniversary this day and I was and am overjoyed to celebrate it now with Ryan and Emily and through their love and commitment to each other - there is much to rejoice!

New little ones - how thankful I am for the new lives we have been blessed to love and raise.  Hope Julianna arrived in a flourish July 28 - Mom and Dad racing to the hospital - literally!  What a bundle of love and fun - sweet, gentle and loving mixed in with a little bit of impishness. Now she will be turning three - hard for this Nana to comprehend sometimes.  Now, we are awaiting the arrival, again in July, of baby Wachob number five - if this little one is a precious little boy - mixing toy trucks and lots of blue - he will be a wonderful surprise - and if a fifth little princess arrives we will be overjoyed as well. A quiver full!

In early June, Kinsley Ann joined her brother and sister to add more love and laughter to their family.  She is the spitting image of her big sister and now approaching two - full of antics and smiles.  Life is never quiet with these angels and if it is - mom and dad better go check out why!  

So why haven't I written in two years - I am still not sure - a part of me feels that when I put my thoughts down in print - that I can't take them back and I don't always want to face what is going on in my heart and to share that with my family and friends - questioning myself if it was okay to be celebrating with my heart so full of joy and still honor my beloved husband...God has been tending to me for awhile.  I know His desire for me is to be so full of joy and understanding of who He is in my life and that the love I have and cherish for Al will always be present -  reflected in the gifts of newly married children and new babies and the blessings of growing families He has already showered me with.  So now I  am beginning to write again...pressing forward toward the life God has blessed me with ...to consider it all joy.

Finding Joy

Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it feels so long ago - sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far - October 1, 2007 - the day my life and that of my families changed forever.  It will never be just a beautiful fall day or even a normal ordinary day.  This day my sunshine was greeted by angels and Christ Himself at the gates of heaven.

I have learned that for me, the days leading up to October 1st are often as difficult or more than the day itself.  Trying to prepare my heart for all the last memories that seem to fill my soul - wishing and hoping that it still some kind of horrible dream and I will wake with him beside me.  But morning comes and it is not a dream.

My heart's desire the last few years, is to cherish my memories and to celebrate Alvis and the man he was not only to me and our children but to all that may have known him.  In trying to remember him as husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle,  father in law, friend, physician, athlete, gardener I am reminded how his life impacted so many and how well he was loved.  And what an example he left behind.....

We have tried to spend this day, not filled with only tears and heartache but with joy - Al was full of joy.  When I read through his Bible, so many of the verses underlined are instructions to live life with joy - the joy of knowing who Jesus is as our Savior and the joy of believing and knowing of His unfailing love.  Al understood true joy - and this was the example he left with us - to live our lives with joy and expectation of our future with Christ; to experience this life with exuberance and to savor learning something new.  To live our lives with the anticipation of a life even more exciting and glorious.

So, today - things we did to celebrate Alvis' life - taking a bouquet of flowers all from our yard - filled with roses, hydrangea, anenome, gladiola, cosmos, dogwood, jasmine to lay beside his headstone; a batch of rice krispie treats, sharing the afternoon with Ryan and Emily on the river; water skiing (even with out a wet suit!), dinner outside - toasting Al with a pale ale, and phone visits with Michelle, Colleen and Amy.  We laughed and we smiled and teased "what would Al (Dad) think?"  or "You know Dad would get in the water!"

And though my heart feels like the hole is not any smaller - I know Christ is healing the edges and softening the aching feeling especially on days when I don't want to get out of bed or get out of the shower hoping the emptiness will wash away.  I know He wants us to feel joy again and to live life fully - just as my Sunshine did.  So today, I choose to find joy - even in amongst the tears.

With joy and thankfulness

I had made plans to visit my husband's resting place yesterday after church.  I gathered some flowers from our yard and brought some blue delphinium from work to add to my small clutch.  I was thankful again for peonies blooming, iris in blues and purple and pink and purple columbine right outside my door.  Later I picked up a single red rose to be included with the others.

My head and my heart were filled with sweet memories of Al - remembering him in his uniforms - often searching for his camouflage hat at the last minute - how professional he looked in his Class A's and how wonderfully handsome in his dress blues.  I was and am so proud of his service to our country and his continued willingness to be called to active duty to serve the wounded.

As I started out of the driveway that morning, the song playing on the radio was "I'll Fly Away."  This song is special to me for many reasons - one, Alvis' dad went to music school with the author so many years ago, and also because we chose to have this song at the conclusion of Al's service with everyone singing.  Until this year, I wept when I heard the music - but this morning I smiled!  I pictured Al with his parents and brothers singing it in four part harmony (his dad used to sing in a  four part harmony group)  Instead of tears of loneliness I felt joy and comfort believing and trusting they were singing praises to our God - maybe at that very moment. 

Small moments of joy - to be treasured.

Flower blessings

Just a few flowers spilling out from a simple glass vase - 

Enjoy:)

A mixture of gerbera daisies, hydrangea, roses, spray roses, button poms and carnations - yummy:)

Fun times with Ephraim and Selah!

This past month I have had the chance to visit Amy, Forrest and the munchkins a couple of times.  These munchkins crack me up!  They are non stop from the moment they get up until they crash into bed.  In between they play cars, baby dolls, soccer, basketball, paint, create messes of all kinds and occasionally stop to eat:)  They truly enjoy each other - well there is of course a few squabbles but Selah will put herself in time out or sit with Ephraim when he has chosen poorly.

On my last visit, Ephraim (Effa, according to Selah) had his first T-ball practice - if there is a ball involved, he is ready to play ; Selah marched right over to the playground - it is a bit worrisome that she has no fear of falling or tripping - and climbs up and over things that I am sure are meant for older kids but she scrambles all over the jungle gym and slides as if she has been doing this for years!   Who taught her how to lay across the seat of the swing and fly?  She just makes me smile.

Ephraim did a great job of listening to his coach and following directions - running the bases to warm up - he of course led the group with one other little guy.  (First born of two first born parents!)  It was a little chilly so in some of these pictures he looks cold but given the ball and a chance to throw - look out!  This little guy can really throw - and hard!  His first throw to his coach was launched perfectly and as the ball smacked the coach's glove even he said Whoa:)

Ephraim throws right and bats left handed - pretty clever - could be pretty handy as he grows up:)

I am so big!

On my own!

Watching and waiting ....

Getting ready...

The wind up...

Running past his coach:)

Not so sure about this...

I'm flying!!!!

Sharing tears and joy...

From earlier this month....

For the most part, hours spent making flower arrangements are pretty enjoyable - the flower shop always smells wonderful, is brimming with a myriad of colors, shapes and textures and the door bell chiming nearly always means flowers to be shared with someone for happy reasons.  This past week has certainly included visitors who have stepped inside for just that - but this week also seems to have been laden with sorrows for many also.

It began last weekend with the phone ringing over and over - with customers choking back their own tears while choosing flowers for two different families - each who had lost a young son in the same car accident - being struck by a drunk driver.  The accident was hundreds of miles away but their families were here.  Our normally festive moods were quickly quieted.  It was time now to minister to others through our work...some how hoping the messages of friends coupled with God's majestic work of His gardens would bring some comfort to them.  

I can't really explain why this particular tragedy has touched me so strongly - except recalling how many people cared about our family when Alvis was suddenly called home.  I have accepted that I will not understand why my husband's journey here ended way to soon from my perspective - and even though I believe God's plan for Alvis and our family is His perfect plan - it still saddens me.  I miss him.  I imagine that these families are struggling with similar questions - why their sons and why when their lives were full of promise.  My heart breaks for them and each family who came in this week for flowers for their loved ones.  I know that Jesus is holding them closer these past few days.

I desire to be His instrument when I am assisting customers - not just when someone is grieving but with each one who steps inside or calls.  I know I fail - sometimes it is simply difficult to smile through their grumblings.  Yet, I have a Father who still cares for me through my grumblings.

Today my co-worker made a beautiful garden for one of the memorial services to be held on Sunday.  She asked for my opinion various times as she created it - which is truly humbling as she is so creative - but it was also hard to look at - her garden design was so similar to the one my friend,  Jan,  had made for Al.  Tears welled up in my heart - trying not to let them spill out.  I know Jan put her heart into the flowers she did for us just as my friend and co-worker did today.  I desire to remember to be God's instrument - to demonstrate His love for each of us in the moments of sorrow and all the moments of joy.  In the midst of the heartache we feel for these families and others - I can also imagine joy - the joy of meeting Jesus and a heavenly home beyond beautiful!

Birthday Blessings

Photo memories of my birthday celebration:)

Ephraim and I preparing to blow out my "real birthday" candles!

Family

Ephraim and Selah working on their duet...
These two really are best of friends:)

Ryan playing ... Only because it was my birthday...
He doesn't like performing on a moment's notice.  Thank you, kiddo.

The day after my birthday, I left early in the morning for San Diego to visit my Dad and help him re-settle at home.  I am so thankful I was able to be with him for a few days.  

Ryan and Emily came for a long weekend, too.
Great times had by all.

Blessed beyond measure

For several weeks - well since my birthday - I have been trying to figure out how to share how richly blessed I have felt by my family and friends - but I couldn't get the words to flow the way I desired; so there my title sat  - alone for days...

Maybe tonight will be different.  I have been reading the book "One Thousand Gifts"  by Anne Voskamp. During that first year after Al had died - I could hardly breathe - yet as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months - one of things that I longed for - was to feel joy again.  My life had been a happy one - yes of course there were struggles - but we managed to come out of them smiling and joyful.  I needed to feel joy - to have a reason to smile or laugh.  Inch by inch little things began to thaw the deep recesses of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever feel again.  They were blessings in my life.  Recognizing the blessings the last four years is not always easy - mostly because I am stubborn - not because God has not placed them in my path.  I want to recognize my blessings and I desire to shower others with the blessings God has laid before me - but I fail so often - letting them slip away before I choose to act.

This book - although I sometimes get lost in her words - reminds of all the everyday moments that are gifts and blessings that God wants me to feel, see and enjoy and be thankful - for each person and moment in my path.  To recognize the gift they are to me.  Everyday moments are not covered in glitter or with a thousand lights - but each is a gift - and my desire is to be focused on God so much that I will recognize His handiwork and be joyful!

Which brings me to my birthday....
My daughters and son asked me at different times, what I wanted to do for my birthday.... my answer was to "skip it."  Apparently, they all thought differently and on this Leap Year birthday - I was filled with joy, laughter and lots of love.  When I thought it would be fine to do nothing - they had been thinking about it for a while.  Amy, during the Christmas holiday, scoured my address book and email contacts and asked just about everyone to celebrate my "15th" birthday by sharing a memory of me.  She  placed each one in a manilla envelope (Michelle will always know what a manilla envelope is now:)) and I spent at least forty-five minutes laughing and crying.  It was wonderful!

Michelle had planned a surprise party - she had asked my co-workers, the friends I work with in the GriefShare ministry and some of her and Amy's college friends (that I have claimed as my own!)  I knew something was up when I was cloistered in our family room the night before while Michelle and Amy made appetizers and drank wine:)  I never dreamed that there would be such a sweet gathering of friends to spend this birthday with.  Ryan blessed us with a song at the piano and Colleen and her family were here in spirit - I know, I could feel their smiles!

I had shared with Michelle that I am uncomfortable being the center of attention - but this day was precious to me - for the labors of love that prepared for it, for all the funny and sweet memories, the beautiful and delicious food and the gift of treasured friendships - some newer and some well worn - in our "new home."  A day richly blessed by Christ's faithfulness to me and my family as we continue this journey.

Thank you to each and everyone who celebrated with us - with notes, messages and your presence - you are each a  precious gift to me and for each of you I am truly thankful.

What is it about Valentine's

I know, I know - Valentine's Day is just an excuse from Hallmark, florists and candy makers to make anyone and everyone feel guilty about not wanting to really participate in this holiday.... but I think we all have something to learn and enjoy from sharing in this holiday.


While raising our family, I know we celebrated Valentine's day - making sure each child had cards for all their friends, maybe a small gift for them and usually a special dinner.  Al and I didn't really ever plan an evening out for Valentine's - with his schedule it was pretty futile.  Office hours, surgeries and call schedules didn't often allow for romantic dinners out.  But, we did remember each other - in small ways - a card or gift sometimes but mostly I remember his sweet kiss on my cheek as he left for work and having him whisper  "I love you."  These were the moments my fairy tale dreams were made of.


Valentine's Day at our store started weeks before - orders arriving, vases to be unpacked and the store decorated. Even through the piles of rose leaves on our floor and the thorn pricks (I still have a thorn tip in my thumb I can't get out!) and the really long hours,  we still found joy in what we were doing.  The young loves - romances just budding - knowing they want to do something special but having never  been in a flower shop before - so many ideas to choose from, left some feeling overwhelmed and begging for advice!  Long lasting forever and ever loves whose request was "to make it as special as she is."  Teddy bears and boxes of chocolate were flying out the door.  The faces on some of those bears appeared to be smiling when they were chosen to go home as someone's valentine.  I know I may sound ridiculous to some but I have come to appreciate this holiday much more - when you are able to help a customer express their love for someone else and knowing the smiles that will follow, the holiday doesn't seem quite so commercial anymore.  (I still don't like having Valentine's candy in the store on January 1st, though!)

Some of my co-workers  had started dreading Valentines even before Christmas  - long hours, hundreds of deliveries and trying to please every customer who walked through the door would be challenging; but somehow we did manage to make it through still smiling and laughing with each other.  We ran out of red roses - really any red flower (we had used thousands of red roses alone ) around 3 pm - which made those guys coming in at 5 a little fretful and we were so ready to close the door at 5:30 (we ended up being open until after 6) but as we cleaned up the store and headed home - I believe we were thankful to have helped others enjoy their Valentine's Day.


Whether it was four dozen roses in a vase or a single gerbera daisy - love was in the air!  The simple act of remembering someone else - a new love,  or a lifetime love, a parents love or a child's love, co-workers and friends, we all want to feel loved and even though it may not seem like a natural expression because of all the ads - the demonstration by one for another will not be forgotten and will be a blessing to them.  So, even though there is so much advertising to celebrate Valentine's with flowers, candy, dinner or teddy bears; I am glad that there is one day that we are "coerced" to remembering the loves in our lives - because the joy we bring them comes back to us many times over.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  John 13:34

Isn't this what Christ desires most for us - to know His love for us and that He will not forsake us on this or any other day.  His love for us, demonstrated by His death on a cross, for our eternal life and happiness.

Christmas reflections...

Our "angel" tree with limbs lifted high

It's nearly February!  Somehow January has really slipped through my fingers as did December.  The Christmas quilts were my excuse in December but what about now?  I look back on this month and feel I have not really accomplished very much - not anywhere near what I had set out to.  Granted the items on my list are not very exciting - taking down the tree - always a day that I don't look forward to.  Part of that is the mess I will need to create in order to return our home to a more simple state, but also because I really do enjoy our tree the days and weeks after Christmas - the quiet glow of twinkling lights and time to really reflect how we celebrated the gift of God's love - how He knowingly sent us His Son to redeem us while realizing the pain and rejection He would receive.  We spend Christmas planning for a celebration of His birth, believing and cherishing the hope for our lives after this earth.  It is a time of joy and smiles as our family spends time together, sharing in long held family traditions while stepping forward to create some new ones.  Yet, knowing in our hearts that none of the happiness we feel would be possible without the gift of His Son and the sacrifice He made.

I recognize that I should be taking time to do more of my reflecting before Christmas and I do, but not always really sitting down and being still with God.  This time as I wrote my reflections down I felt God's presence with me - being my comforter and friend.  I believe He knows my heart and how preparing my home for Christmas has always been important to me - I desire it to be a reflection of my heart - a place to welcome both family and friends which means nearly every room must reflect the Christmas season. While I am busy decorating I am also spending time with my Father - in quiet thoughts and prayers trying to put Him first in all I do.

 

I spent one evening after Christmas sitting in the living room in the soft light writing a letter to Al - to be tucked away in his stocking.  Under the soft glow of white lights on our tree, the words came more easily this year.  Maybe because I waited until Christmas day was past and I could share with him the cherished moments we had together as family this Christmas season instead of fighting tears because he wasn't sitting next to me.  Curled up on the couch with my Christmas quilt which Michelle had made for me a few years ago, enjoying the solitude, talking to Al and staring up at our tree - limbs raised upward to heaven.   Ryan had cut it from our yard - it was huge- both in height and breadth -  Ryan shared how he also loved the tree with its branches lifted upward like angels wings.

So, I did eventually undress the tree of all its sparkles and lights wrapping up each ornament in tissue while pondering the kids at different ages (marked by years written on the ornaments), sweeping up the pile of dropped needles and putting away the nativity sets but a part of me wanted to figure out how to keep some of the lights - maybe winding them through one of the plants - but I didn't.  Instead I left out the Christmas quilted pillows, quilt and the piano runner - just until the end of January:)  I wanted to still feel Christmas - I didn't want to let go of the memory of spending time with Jesus under the tree. I felt that Al could read my letter that night.  In my heart and mind I understand that Christ is always ready to hear my prayers and knows my heart - sometimes though I can almost feel Him in the room - this was one of those nights.  I cherish those moments. It has taken a long time for me to recover and feel God's presence in my life again.  A friend gave me a  beautiful feather not long after Al died to remind me that I would again feel God's touch - as light as a feather.  How thankful I am that God has continued to hold me up and bring me moments of really feeling His presence. Psalm 31:4.

A very special weekend!

Christmas Lights at the Columbia Gorge Hotel

A week before Christmas, Michelle gave me (really us) a wonderful Christmas gift.  I say "us" because it was time spent with her doing things we love.

She had requested and arranged for me to have the Monday before Christmas off - knowing that this week was going to be busy.  Erma, my boss, agreed (even though she knew I needed the time also to work on the quilts!)  Michelle would not tell me where we were going and only gave me a list of things to pack the night before.  Because warm clothes and  long underwear were involved I started guessing places in my head - the gorge or maybe Leavenworth.  I was pretty close.

We headed out to towards the mountains, driving past the Columbia Gorge Hotel - beautifully lit with Christmas lights and continued on to Parkdale.  A very small town with a wonderful, quaint Bed and Breakfast!  Michelle had purchased a "Groupon" for a two night stay with a bottle of wine and fruit and cheese fondue included!  I felt so pampered.  Michelle and I had talked last year how fun it would be to spend sometime out this way last year and she followed through.

Our B&B was small - only three suites - but the hospitality was huge.  The owner was so gracious and welcoming and her breakfast were tasty and beautifully presented.  We planned on going cross country skiing and brought my skis but were going to rent some for Michelle.  While visiting with the other guests, they had offered to lend Michelle her extra skis and boots!  They were a perfect fit!  Such generosity from strangers - now friends.

It started out a little foggy but as we climbed the mountain the sky opened up to  the brightest blue I had seen in a long time with Mt. Hood standing proudly - gleaming in white snow.  We stopped at a groomed trail head aptly named "Teacup Lake".  All of my daughters and myself love tea so this added to our fun.  The trails were pretty icy and had a lot of hills (which we were not anticipating) so I was pretty timid for a while getting my ski legs under me:) but eventually I conquered my fears and enjoyed the ride.  It was a picture perfect day.

We headed back to our little home and enjoyed our snack of cheese fondue - yummy- and dressed for dinner at the Gorge hotel with a stop in Hood River to walk the sidewalks and window shop.  Lots of outdoor gear mixed with trendy boutique stores - reminds me a little of JH.

One of our goals was to take pictures outside with all the lights.  We enjoyed traipsing through the trees sparkling with lights even though it was very cold.  The hotel dining room was empty (there was a private dinner going on) but we had the room to ourselves.  The waiter was very conscientious giving us a rather ample glass to taste two different wines before choosing the Reisling and Michelle's glass of water was never empty (He was pretty cute).  Dinner was delicious as was dessert.

We wondered outside again to look at the falls and take some more pictures before heading back to the Inn to watch a movie and sleep.

Tuesday morning we headed back - I needed to be at work by noon so reluctantly we headed back to Portland and the busyness of the store.  Michelle in all her sweetness had brought thank you gifts Hood River jam for Erma and Karen for giving me the time off.

Michelle at Teacup Lake

Mt. Hood

Dinner at the Gorge Hotel

This weekend is full of memories that I will cherish forever.  Thank you Michelle with all my heart.

A quick glimpse of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is truly one of my very favorite holidays - and this year we were excited to be all together.

Amy and Forrest (along with their two monkeys) wandered down from Covington and Colleen and Erik and the girls made the trek from Jackson, Wyoming to share a week with us.  To top it off we also were able to celebrate Sadie's fourth birthday!  This precious little princess warms my heart.  We shared my bed on her birthday and as we snuggled together she was so sweet and thankful for the birthday gifts she had received that morning - her sweet spirit and giving heart are lessons for me to learn from too.

Sadie enjoying tea and scones at a real tea house

For her birthday, we caravaned out to the coast on a beautiful old road (part of which was snow and mud) to be greeted with 60 mile per hour winds and drenching rain.  Tillamook cheese factory was our safe haven for lunch, a tour and of course ice cream!

Colleen at the tea house

The following day, while I was at work, my daughters ventured out to a fancy tea house with the three oldest.   Forrest was working, so Erik and Ryan were left to take care of the youngest two - twenty months old and only two weeks apart.  Raina slept but Selah kept Ryan entertained playing with cars and balls!  I came home for lunch and found him on the floor with her:)  Erik was trying to read but had to abandon it when Ryan also headed to work.

The tea party crowd had a wonderful time savoring cucumber sandwiches, scones and cookies.  They

also had a hat room where some wonderful wide brimmed and classic numbers could be tried on and worn while sipping tea.

Ephraim also enjoying the tea party

Elisa Joy

Amy and Ephraim

Michelle and Ephraim

Beautiful Elisa modeling her red bonnet

Entertaining guests especially little ones offers challenges sometimes:)  I came home one evening to a crazy game of follow the leader - only crazy dance moves or somersaults were encouraged.  On both of Colleen's last visits, Oregon provided only cold and drizzles and downpours each time we wanted to be outside.  Being from Wyoming they are used to playing outside in the winter - but it is usually sunny and cold or snowing - both more fun than being drenched.

Crazy dance moves

Five little munchkins!

Forrest attempting to teach Erik to juggle fruit!

Ryan sharing his talents with his nieces.

Ryan is a very talented pianist and spent time sharing some music with Elisa and Sadie.  Both will start piano with Colleen when the piano arrives at their house.

Thanksgiving was a wonderfully relaxed day - with all of my talented daughters helping out in the kitchen we sat down to quite a feast - Ryan rushing home from work to join us and get our family photo taken! We have so much to be thankful for -  the joy of being all together and recognizing how we are truly a blessed family enveloped by our love for each other and God's grace over us.

Elisa and Sadie wanted to make a trip to Willamette National Cemetery to visit their Boppa.  Only Elisa was born before Alvis died - she was not even three yet.  Amy and Colleen both are wonderful about sharing moments about their dad with their children.  Ephraim's middle name is Alvis, too.  While we gathered around his head stone I remember how tenderly Amy explained why his Boppa was here and all the others surrounding him.  She shared how Jesus had carried Boppa to heaven.  I loved that image.

May we all be carried to heaven this way.  Elisa and Sadie traced his name over and over.  I wish with all my heart that they could have really known their grandpa.  He was pretty amazing and was quite enamored with Elisa - he had a picture of her on the front of his locker in the physician's lounge:)

Visiting Boppa

All too quickly our week was over.  I wanted time to stand still - at least slow down a little.  I remember as a child my dad would talk about wanting a big house someday with all these different wings branching off of a center point - one wing for each of his five daughters and for him and mom.  I really understand this dream and claim it as my own now.  As God prepares a home for us in heaven, I relish the hope and dream that maybe it will still come true - with God at our center.