Finding Joy

Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it feels so long ago - sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far - October 1, 2007 - the day my life and that of my families changed forever.  It will never be just a beautiful fall day or even a normal ordinary day.  This day my sunshine was greeted by angels and Christ Himself at the gates of heaven.

I have learned that for me, the days leading up to October 1st are often as difficult or more than the day itself.  Trying to prepare my heart for all the last memories that seem to fill my soul - wishing and hoping that it still some kind of horrible dream and I will wake with him beside me.  But morning comes and it is not a dream.

My heart's desire the last few years, is to cherish my memories and to celebrate Alvis and the man he was not only to me and our children but to all that may have known him.  In trying to remember him as husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle,  father in law, friend, physician, athlete, gardener I am reminded how his life impacted so many and how well he was loved.  And what an example he left behind.....

We have tried to spend this day, not filled with only tears and heartache but with joy - Al was full of joy.  When I read through his Bible, so many of the verses underlined are instructions to live life with joy - the joy of knowing who Jesus is as our Savior and the joy of believing and knowing of His unfailing love.  Al understood true joy - and this was the example he left with us - to live our lives with joy and expectation of our future with Christ; to experience this life with exuberance and to savor learning something new.  To live our lives with the anticipation of a life even more exciting and glorious.

So, today - things we did to celebrate Alvis' life - taking a bouquet of flowers all from our yard - filled with roses, hydrangea, anenome, gladiola, cosmos, dogwood, jasmine to lay beside his headstone; a batch of rice krispie treats, sharing the afternoon with Ryan and Emily on the river; water skiing (even with out a wet suit!), dinner outside - toasting Al with a pale ale, and phone visits with Michelle, Colleen and Amy.  We laughed and we smiled and teased "what would Al (Dad) think?"  or "You know Dad would get in the water!"

And though my heart feels like the hole is not any smaller - I know Christ is healing the edges and softening the aching feeling especially on days when I don't want to get out of bed or get out of the shower hoping the emptiness will wash away.  I know He wants us to feel joy again and to live life fully - just as my Sunshine did.  So today, I choose to find joy - even in amongst the tears.

With joy and thankfulness

I had made plans to visit my husband's resting place yesterday after church.  I gathered some flowers from our yard and brought some blue delphinium from work to add to my small clutch.  I was thankful again for peonies blooming, iris in blues and purple and pink and purple columbine right outside my door.  Later I picked up a single red rose to be included with the others.

My head and my heart were filled with sweet memories of Al - remembering him in his uniforms - often searching for his camouflage hat at the last minute - how professional he looked in his Class A's and how wonderfully handsome in his dress blues.  I was and am so proud of his service to our country and his continued willingness to be called to active duty to serve the wounded.

As I started out of the driveway that morning, the song playing on the radio was "I'll Fly Away."  This song is special to me for many reasons - one, Alvis' dad went to music school with the author so many years ago, and also because we chose to have this song at the conclusion of Al's service with everyone singing.  Until this year, I wept when I heard the music - but this morning I smiled!  I pictured Al with his parents and brothers singing it in four part harmony (his dad used to sing in a  four part harmony group)  Instead of tears of loneliness I felt joy and comfort believing and trusting they were singing praises to our God - maybe at that very moment. 

Small moments of joy - to be treasured.

Flower blessings

Just a few flowers spilling out from a simple glass vase - 

Enjoy:)

A mixture of gerbera daisies, hydrangea, roses, spray roses, button poms and carnations - yummy:)

Fun times with Ephraim and Selah!

This past month I have had the chance to visit Amy, Forrest and the munchkins a couple of times.  These munchkins crack me up!  They are non stop from the moment they get up until they crash into bed.  In between they play cars, baby dolls, soccer, basketball, paint, create messes of all kinds and occasionally stop to eat:)  They truly enjoy each other - well there is of course a few squabbles but Selah will put herself in time out or sit with Ephraim when he has chosen poorly.

On my last visit, Ephraim (Effa, according to Selah) had his first T-ball practice - if there is a ball involved, he is ready to play ; Selah marched right over to the playground - it is a bit worrisome that she has no fear of falling or tripping - and climbs up and over things that I am sure are meant for older kids but she scrambles all over the jungle gym and slides as if she has been doing this for years!   Who taught her how to lay across the seat of the swing and fly?  She just makes me smile.

Ephraim did a great job of listening to his coach and following directions - running the bases to warm up - he of course led the group with one other little guy.  (First born of two first born parents!)  It was a little chilly so in some of these pictures he looks cold but given the ball and a chance to throw - look out!  This little guy can really throw - and hard!  His first throw to his coach was launched perfectly and as the ball smacked the coach's glove even he said Whoa:)

Ephraim throws right and bats left handed - pretty clever - could be pretty handy as he grows up:)

I am so big!

On my own!

Watching and waiting ....

Getting ready...

The wind up...

Running past his coach:)

Not so sure about this...

I'm flying!!!!

Sharing tears and joy...

From earlier this month....

For the most part, hours spent making flower arrangements are pretty enjoyable - the flower shop always smells wonderful, is brimming with a myriad of colors, shapes and textures and the door bell chiming nearly always means flowers to be shared with someone for happy reasons.  This past week has certainly included visitors who have stepped inside for just that - but this week also seems to have been laden with sorrows for many also.

It began last weekend with the phone ringing over and over - with customers choking back their own tears while choosing flowers for two different families - each who had lost a young son in the same car accident - being struck by a drunk driver.  The accident was hundreds of miles away but their families were here.  Our normally festive moods were quickly quieted.  It was time now to minister to others through our work...some how hoping the messages of friends coupled with God's majestic work of His gardens would bring some comfort to them.  

I can't really explain why this particular tragedy has touched me so strongly - except recalling how many people cared about our family when Alvis was suddenly called home.  I have accepted that I will not understand why my husband's journey here ended way to soon from my perspective - and even though I believe God's plan for Alvis and our family is His perfect plan - it still saddens me.  I miss him.  I imagine that these families are struggling with similar questions - why their sons and why when their lives were full of promise.  My heart breaks for them and each family who came in this week for flowers for their loved ones.  I know that Jesus is holding them closer these past few days.

I desire to be His instrument when I am assisting customers - not just when someone is grieving but with each one who steps inside or calls.  I know I fail - sometimes it is simply difficult to smile through their grumblings.  Yet, I have a Father who still cares for me through my grumblings.

Today my co-worker made a beautiful garden for one of the memorial services to be held on Sunday.  She asked for my opinion various times as she created it - which is truly humbling as she is so creative - but it was also hard to look at - her garden design was so similar to the one my friend,  Jan,  had made for Al.  Tears welled up in my heart - trying not to let them spill out.  I know Jan put her heart into the flowers she did for us just as my friend and co-worker did today.  I desire to remember to be God's instrument - to demonstrate His love for each of us in the moments of sorrow and all the moments of joy.  In the midst of the heartache we feel for these families and others - I can also imagine joy - the joy of meeting Jesus and a heavenly home beyond beautiful!

Birthday Blessings

Photo memories of my birthday celebration:)

Ephraim and I preparing to blow out my "real birthday" candles!

Family

Ephraim and Selah working on their duet...
These two really are best of friends:)

Ryan playing ... Only because it was my birthday...
He doesn't like performing on a moment's notice.  Thank you, kiddo.

The day after my birthday, I left early in the morning for San Diego to visit my Dad and help him re-settle at home.  I am so thankful I was able to be with him for a few days.  

Ryan and Emily came for a long weekend, too.
Great times had by all.

Blessed beyond measure

For several weeks - well since my birthday - I have been trying to figure out how to share how richly blessed I have felt by my family and friends - but I couldn't get the words to flow the way I desired; so there my title sat  - alone for days...

Maybe tonight will be different.  I have been reading the book "One Thousand Gifts"  by Anne Voskamp. During that first year after Al had died - I could hardly breathe - yet as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months - one of things that I longed for - was to feel joy again.  My life had been a happy one - yes of course there were struggles - but we managed to come out of them smiling and joyful.  I needed to feel joy - to have a reason to smile or laugh.  Inch by inch little things began to thaw the deep recesses of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever feel again.  They were blessings in my life.  Recognizing the blessings the last four years is not always easy - mostly because I am stubborn - not because God has not placed them in my path.  I want to recognize my blessings and I desire to shower others with the blessings God has laid before me - but I fail so often - letting them slip away before I choose to act.

This book - although I sometimes get lost in her words - reminds of all the everyday moments that are gifts and blessings that God wants me to feel, see and enjoy and be thankful - for each person and moment in my path.  To recognize the gift they are to me.  Everyday moments are not covered in glitter or with a thousand lights - but each is a gift - and my desire is to be focused on God so much that I will recognize His handiwork and be joyful!

Which brings me to my birthday....
My daughters and son asked me at different times, what I wanted to do for my birthday.... my answer was to "skip it."  Apparently, they all thought differently and on this Leap Year birthday - I was filled with joy, laughter and lots of love.  When I thought it would be fine to do nothing - they had been thinking about it for a while.  Amy, during the Christmas holiday, scoured my address book and email contacts and asked just about everyone to celebrate my "15th" birthday by sharing a memory of me.  She  placed each one in a manilla envelope (Michelle will always know what a manilla envelope is now:)) and I spent at least forty-five minutes laughing and crying.  It was wonderful!

Michelle had planned a surprise party - she had asked my co-workers, the friends I work with in the GriefShare ministry and some of her and Amy's college friends (that I have claimed as my own!)  I knew something was up when I was cloistered in our family room the night before while Michelle and Amy made appetizers and drank wine:)  I never dreamed that there would be such a sweet gathering of friends to spend this birthday with.  Ryan blessed us with a song at the piano and Colleen and her family were here in spirit - I know, I could feel their smiles!

I had shared with Michelle that I am uncomfortable being the center of attention - but this day was precious to me - for the labors of love that prepared for it, for all the funny and sweet memories, the beautiful and delicious food and the gift of treasured friendships - some newer and some well worn - in our "new home."  A day richly blessed by Christ's faithfulness to me and my family as we continue this journey.

Thank you to each and everyone who celebrated with us - with notes, messages and your presence - you are each a  precious gift to me and for each of you I am truly thankful.