Saturday, September 8, 2018

Forty five years..

Today I wish I could be celebrating ... but all that I have are tears, coupled with loneliness.  Today, the memory of spending life with my husband seem so distant - it has been nearly 11 years.  I help in a ministry which core is to help others when they have lost a loved one to death - always too early, but today the emptiness and feeling so alone supersede all that I have tried to learn and understand.  Why Lord, do I still feel so alone?  Why is today so difficult?  I was blessed with many years together and my life is no more significant than others who have lost someone but my heart just aches today.  Today, I should be celebrating a beautiful milestone yet even trying to focus on the sweetness of our love and marriage and raising a family seems to layer more sadness.  Living without him to celebrate our family - our roles as parents and grandparents - only seems half hearted.  My other half is gone.  

I know God has created each of us as an individual and that as an individual my role is to love Him, share His life and gift with others but for me - I don't want to face this role with out my spouse.  Today is hard.  I know God has a purpose for my sadness today, and this to will pass and become something He will use in my life and be honoring to Him but I am hoping He will understand that today is hard - the emptiness is real and today I am simply sad.

Where has my joy drifted too? I believe with all my heart that God hears my cry and He is my comforter - yet today feels different - as though even He knows I need to have this day of grief and sadness to bring me to a place ready to serve Him again.  Will my heart be ready to love again?  Giving my heart openly to another while still mourning the love I had seems to create roadblocks and uncertainty for me.  I have believed God would allow me to love again and I stepped out in faith but holding on to my past dreams may cloud my view of a future love.  Lord, may you fill my heart and make me whole.  And when I am ready, and if your plan, allow me to love completely again.

Grief doesn't come packaged and ready to be  put on a shelf and forgotten - it is real and may resurface when unexpected or when holidays are prominent or when faced with  milestones or even just when a memory flashes by.  I am thankful that I know this heavy heart will not persist forever - for my God is gracious, loving and knows my pain and the depth of my love for my husband.  He will sustain me and bring me back to joy. 

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