The past few days have been filled with a myriad of emotions for me. Thanksgiving enjoyed with two of my daughters and Amy's sweet family, my very special niece, Paige, a phone call from Colleen and Ryan and even two of Ryan's old roommates (whom I am very excited that they would come over - especially with Ryan being in Germany.) Friday - hearing that God had taken home another Dad of a very sweet friend (especially for Paige) and then Monday was Al's birthday.
I so want to be strong - because I know Al believed I was a strong woman - not in the physical sense at all - but that he believed I could handle things when he was away. But I also do not want to be strong - I want to fall into his arms and have him tell me it will be ok - that we will always be ok - that we will continue to laugh and love together and enjoy this life together. This is not my reality, though.
These past few days, I have cried a lot. I miss him so much - his smile, his touch, his laugh and how he loved us. I want to hear his voice singing praises to God and see the tears in his eyes when the words touch him deeply. I want to see him in his big chair with one leg over the arm enjoying a football game or NCIS. I want to cook a meal for him that I know he would enjoy - from tacos to my stuffed pork loin.
I want to crawl into our bed and squeeze my cold feet between his to warm my toes. But this is not to be either.
Yet, somehow between the tears, I move forward and feel again...feeling strength again to do the things I need to be doing, to look beyond myself to think of others. This strength only comes from my Father. He has shown me so many times that He is there for me to fall into and feel loved and that I will be ok - even when I don't want to feel that way. The ache in my heart, I know will always be there - for when you have loved someone that place in your heart belongs to them. God knows how I am feeling - and that is a comfort to me - because He is willing to carry this battered heart along and hold me up and give me His strength to live each day. I pray that I will be able to honor Him in all that I do - even when all I have is tears.